Funny lines from funny folks in show biz

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these quotes from some of the funniest people in showbiz, all curated by the Vuify review team.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person. Jim Carrey

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon

If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ Jimmy Fallon

I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon

I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Kevin Hart

These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart

For plenty more great comedy, check out Vuify today.

Funny Book Quotes For Rolling on the Floor Laughing

Sometimes we just need to brighten our days with a good laugh, and these funny book quotes should do just that, collected by the Vuify review team.

Martha: “You make me puke.” George: “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say.” – Edward Albee

“‘Manners, Potter,’” said Snape dangerously.”‘Now, I want you to close your eyes.’” Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wand.” – J.K. Rowling

“At his usual time [Alexey Alexandrovitch] got up and made his toilet for the night.” – Leo Tolstoy

“I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to.” – Bill Bryson

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” – Seth Grahame-Smith and Jane Austen

“For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.” – Janet Evanovich

“It wasn’t until I had become engaged to Miss Piano that I began avoiding her.” – Peter De Vries

“The morning after noted child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and got dumped for the 19th time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath. Colin had always preferred baths.” – John Green

“Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu.” – Ha Jin

“We’re going to tell you about three of the children in Mrs. Jewls’s class, on the thirtieth story of Wayside School. But before we get to them, there is something you ought to know. Wayside School was accidentally built sideways. It was supposed to be only one story high, with thirty classrooms all in a row. Instead, it is thirty stories high, with one classroom on each story. The builder said he was very sorry.” – Louis Sachar

“When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off by sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.” – John Wyndham

“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression ‘As pretty as an airport.’” – Douglas Adams

“This is my favorite book in all the world, though I have never read it.” – William Goldman

For plenty more great comedy content, check out Vuify today.

Funny quotes for a good LOL

Looking for a good laugh? Then these lines will have you LOL all day long, compliments of the Vuify review team.

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields

“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden

“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Wilhelm II

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen

“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.” – Yakov Smirnoff

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I don’t think I’ve seen anyone laughing on the way to a bank.” – Ric Ducommon

For plenty more great comic content, check out Vuify today.

Great quotes for a good chuckle

If you are looking for a good laugh to lighten your mood, then enjoy these funny quotes curated by the Vuify review team.

“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” – M. Scott Peck

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain

“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” – Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.” – Martha Scott

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening

For plenty more great comedy, check out Vuify today.

Best Funny Children’s Books

Sometimes getting children to read can be hard. To them it can seem like a chore, which is why you need to make the story worth reading. Using humour not only helps to motivate your child to read, it also gets parents involved as you laugh along with them. There are many such books on sites like Vuify, but here are some of the best funny children’s books out now.

The Book with No Pictures by B.J. Novak

Seriously, this book has no pictures, but it uses clever word play to make it funny. You are encouraged to read it out loud, which is when you are made to read ridiculous lines that will make you laugh. It is a clever concept, and one that encourages parents and children to read it together.

President Taft Is Stuck in the Bath by Mac Barnett, illustrated by Chris Van Dusen

President Taft has become many children’s favourite US President, especially when they read some of the capers he has had. One legend tells of President Taft getting stuck in the bath. The ensuing fun will certainly make your children laugh. This book is available on sites like Vuify.

17 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do Anymore by Jenny Offill, illustrated by Nancy Carpenter

Parents are always telling their children not to do certain things. However, this child has decided to write down all 17 things she can no longer do. Some of them are so funny and wicked, that you will wonder if they actually happened. However, there will always be that thought in the back of your mind wondering if it will give your kids ideas.

To read more funny kids books, go online and check out Vuify.

Best Comedy Audiobooks

There is nothing quite like laughter to make you feel better no matter what type of day you have had. However, if you are a busy person, you might not have time to read, so an audiobook is the perfect alternative. There are many great examples on Vuify, but here are some of the best comedy audiobooks you can listen to.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy By Douglas Adams

One of the most famous humorous stories ever written, this audiobook is narrated by the intellectual Stephen Fry. His calm and whitty delivery, will make the pages come alive and deliver Douglas Adams words perfectly. If you haven’t read this book before, it is well worth starting now.

Made In Scotland By Billy Connolly

The Scottish comedian is known the world over for his satirical look at everyday life. However, his own childhood wasn’t always happy, but definitely filled with interesting characters and hilarious tales from his early life. You can listen to this audiobook by visiting Vuify.

Gotta Get Theroux This By Louis Theroux

Louis Theroux has had his share of awkward moments in his career. He has interviewed many interesting people and found a few skeletons along the way. This book is a backward glance at his life and the things that shaped him to be the person he is today. You will hear many memorable moments and fascinating stories along the way.

To listen to these and many other hilarious audiobooks, check out the catalogue at Vuify.

Super funny quotes about cats

If you are looking for a good chuckle about your furry friend, then you have come to the right place. Enjoy these cute and funny dog quotes curated by the Vuify review team.

If only cats grew into kittens.-R. Stern

Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other.-Stephen Baker

When my cats aren’t happy, I’m not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they’re just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives.-Stephen Baker

An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old.-Carl Van Vechten

The way to get on with a cat is to treat it as an equal – or even better, as the superior it knows itself to be.-Elizabeth Peters

Cats have it all – admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.-Rod McKuen

I gave my cats a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…-Steve Martin

Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible.-Roger Caras

People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.-Faith Resnick

A cat can purr its way out of anything.-Donna McCrohan

Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet’s, pee on your owner.-Gary Smith

I don’t think it is so much the actual bath that most cats dislike; I think it’s the fact that they have to spend a good part of the day putting their hair back in place.-Debbie Peterson

A cat’s got her own opinion of human beings. She don’t say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it.-Jerome K. Jerome

If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.-Terry Pratchett

A cat isn’t fussy – just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor.-Arthur Bridges

It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.-Cynthia E. Varnado

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.-Joseph Wood Krutch

The cat is the only animal without visible means of support who still manages to find a living in the city.-Carl van Vechten

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.-Missy Dizick

Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility.-Stephen Baker

One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it’s affection, the taste or a trial run for the jugular.-Helen Thomson

“Meow" means “woof" in cat.-George Carlin

I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.-Dennis Miller

If you enjoyed these funny quotes on kitties, you will love all the humour content at Vuify.