Funny Quotes From The World’s Funniest People

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these quotes from some of the funniest people in showbiz, all curated by the Vuify review team.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

For plenty more good humour, check out the entire collection at Vuify.

Funny books for troubling times

If you are looking for some fun books to brighten up your day, take a look at these curated by the Vuify review team.

Scoop by Evelyn Waugh (1938)

There’s a side-story in Scoop where a journalist is dispatched by train to cover a Balkan state’s revolution. He falls asleep and wakes in the wrong country and, oblivious to his mistake, heads straight for a hotel where he "[cables] off a thousand-word story about barricades in the streets, flaming churches, machine guns answering the rattle of his typewriter.” Despite it being made up, his story spurs a Fleet Street feeding frenzy for his phantom revolution, sparking a real one in its place. "There," Waugh concludes, "is the power of the press for you."

You won’t read a more astute satire of Her Majesty’s Press than Scoop, in which a newspaper mistakenly dispatches its mild-mannered nature columnist to cover a war (because he shares a surname with the paper’s star-reporter) and accidentally lands the scoop of the year. Full of technicolour characters and pinpoint persiflage, it lampoons the absurdity of the 20th-century journalism of what is widely acknowledged as the unrivalled masterpiece of Fleet Street takedowns.

Carry On, Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse (1925)

No writer better conjures a specific period in history than P. G. Wodehouse. His name alone is synonymous with a vanished time of upper-class Edwardian England when wars were won on cups of tea, cricket ruled the waves, and lunch was always soup and fish. And yet, his stories – and humour – are timeless.

Of them, none are funnier than those of bumbling Bertie Wooster and his bacon-saving butler Jeeves. Carry On, Jeeves starts the journey of Bertie, the what-hoing toff who, time and again, falls into the soup, only for Jeeves to fish him out. The Jeeves-Wooster relationship has comic energy like none you’ll read again.

But it is his one-liners, more than his characters, that have stood the test of time. Such as this, the best-ever description of the crepuscular charm of the end of a warm day: "It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer when you can hear a snail clear its throat a mile away."

For more great funny humour reads, check out Vuify.